VFL Merchandising Exercise #1

I barrack for the Blues. I barrack for them because my mum does. That's what you do. It's hereditary, you know.

When we were kids, I said to my younger brother, “You follow Melbourne, because that's dad's team, and I'll go with Carlton, with mum.” The split seemed right – the girls together, and the boys. Besides, Carlton were flying.

But before all that, we went shopping with the cousins.

In an ample discount barn, the mothers spot a bargain: big, plastic shopping bags, all shiny and white, with VFL team insignia on the front. “Which one would you like?” All us little girls want the swan. What else are you going to pick when you're eight years old?

Dilemma ensues amongst the mums. "He’ll have a fit." "Jack* won't mind, he's South Melbourne anyway." Judiciously, my mother tries to direct me towards the Carlton bag. It's a caricature of a man with bad hair trying to look ferocious with the ball. I am not persuaded.

"It doesn't make sense," my young mind must have enquired. "What's a Blue anyway? " Nearby, Janice* is in tears because "your father will be furious if you come home with anything not Fitzroy."

I stick to my guns because I can. Because my mum knows that a shiny plastic bag is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Because next week, I'll have moved onto some other toy, book, gadget. Because this sport has barely registered in my not so wide little world.

The purchases are made. I am delighted, but feel for the miserable Janice stuck with her wretched Lions bag.

She needn’t have worried. Soon enough the bags would tear and end up in the bin. The Swans would move north to the harbour town in the interests of a national competition. And Fitzroy, too, after battling on for another decade or so would eventually morph into the Brisbane Lions, and finally taste success.

In the meantime, I’d seen the error of my ways and become True Blue.

*Their real names? No way.

The Third Team

Footy commentators often use metaphors borrowed from boxing to describe footy matches. Teams are described as either looking to land the knock out blow, or to get up off the canvas. Usually my team has just been struck with a knock out blow, or it is the one that cannot get up off the canvas. In boxing, the referee is nicknamed as the 'the third man in the ring'. The three umpires of a footy match, are the 'third team' on the field. They are usually hated by both sets of supporters. But, at other times the Arabic and Chinese saying: 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' applies. 'The third team' of the footy-field is a little more complex than 'the third man' of a boxing ring: for, he (there is yet to be a woman field umpire at AFL level) is three. And thus, this third team is fragmented, divided and multiple. The three members of the team, apply different interpretations to all the possibilities and variables that occur throughout a game. Moreover, if a 'bad' decision by an umpire is made in one team's goal square, with 2 seconds on the clock left, and the team that has been awarded the free-kick is down by 3 points, then, the consequences of the 'bad' decision are somewhat extreme. Such an event could be compared to a bad free-kick being awarded to X team in the middle of the ground when Y is winning by 80 points - only a pedant would notice or care.

Supporters often shout that an umpire was 'wrong'. Or, in more polite terms, say that their interpretation was wrong or incorrect. Some say that a decision was 'right' in terms of 'the letter of the law', but that it goes against 'the spirit of the law'. The one problem is, is that whether or not the umpire was right or wrong doesn't matter: his decision is final. It applies immediately. Even when a shocking decision has been made, you see the good players react immediately to change their position, rather than remonstrate with the umpire (which could give away a 50'meter penalty). The umpire performs and implements an absolute truth upon the game of footy. The umpires (all three of them!) are Macchiavellian dictators: against us at one moment, for them at the next. The umpires do not change decisions; they are irreversible, complete, final. Complaints are not acceptable. The umpires cannot be wrong because there is no alternative to their decision. To play a game of footy is to play against the oppositon and the umpires. The rules that are applied are those that are in the rule book and whatever the umpire decides at any given moment during game. Complaints regarding umpiring and poor decisions is the discourse of losers.